Please let this wind blow me home

"I feel just like a sailboat, I don't know where I'm headed..."

This is how I currently feel, drifting along with the current of life, never really docked to one solid place. Recently I had a conversation with someone in my small group and we mutually lamented how we need "something solid" to hold onto. Whether this is a permanent address, home church, full time job plans, the upcoming season of marriage.

After spending a good four months as a vagabond on the streets of Europe drifting from hostel to hostel, I don't know where I fit in here in Iowa. Am I an exchange student, or am I an Iowa Stater? Am I a junior, or am I a senior? I'm not married, but I'm not "just dating." I am working, but don't hold a full time job or have a commitment for a full time job (yet). I have so many thoughts and ideas, but no outlet to grow them.

The transition from Europe has been much harder and more painful than my adjustment to Europe.

If you would have told me this before my trip, I would have laughed. I mean, Europe has a whole different metric system, currency, time zone, accent, grading system, and didn't house my family and friends. Everything that I consider to define me would have been right back here in Iowa. I believed that when I came home I would breathe a sigh of relief and melt back into routine.

Yet, I struggle to find my place and where I belong back in my original space. You see, I know what I am capable of and I find it difficult to pretend like I haven't changed or learned. Like I wasn't effected. Before leaving for Europe, I was afraid of being alone. Traveling alone. Even returning to my flat all alone. Now I revel in my independence. I love being alone (almost a little too much) and need to find a balance. Checking in with family and friends, since they are near me, has been something I've been getting more used to as they are now within an arms reach again.

I find myself frantically grasping for something solid to cling to. I am searching for the shoreline instead of feeling the salty wind spray my face. I am on high alert, and am hurting. Literally every aspect of my life has changed ever since my return to the states, and nothing feels normal or safe like it once did. God has a way of humbling me and showing He is in control. I thought I had this life thing figured out, but man was I wrong. I feel more alone and lost than I ever did when I was lost and wandering the streets of European capitals without Google Maps.

Here is me being completely honest. No Instagram filters, no fake smiles or "I'm fine, how are you?"s.

"I have seen the sun Felt the rain on my skin I've been lost and found But mostly I've been waiting Oh I'm out in the waves I'm hoping and praying Please let this wind blow me home Night after night there's an empty horizon And I feel so alone Sometimes life, most times I, feel just like a sailboat"

Sailboat- Ben Rector

What's almost kind of comical, is I love sailboats. In fact, Lucas asked me to be his girlfriend and we had our first kiss in a sailboat he fixed up at his lake house. So sailboats always make both of us reminiscant. But in this season of my life, the rockiness and uncertainty is frightening instead of an adventure on the horizon.

My mom named our house when we first moved in about 10 years ago, and I thought it was weird and just one of her quirky habits. She named our house "Safe Harbor". That is what I ache for during this time, a Safe Harbor. I am really struggling with this drifting, interim period. I have even contemplated eloping (for a solid day, but I'm way too excited about my plans for our wedding that I want to execute though). If I could ask for prayers during this sailing period where I feel rocked back and forth by life, without any stability and ample amounts of impatience, I would really appreciate it. Thanks friends!

xoxo,

Leah Joy