When Christmas Isn't A Hallmark Movie

Leah Blankespoor
Dec 13, 2017
6 min read

One of my favorite parts about the weeks leading up to Christmas are Hallmark movies. Although, they are not representative at all about Christmas. I have noticed, though, that there have been more and more weddings featured in these movies. Why you may ask? Well, I think that there is a huge connection between Christmas and Love.

Most people found it was crazy that I have always dreamt of a winter wedding. But to me it makes sense. A warm and cozy atmosphere during a time of year that people are jolly and have time off of work!

Although, I find that Christmas, as well as weddings, make me miss those who can’t be there. Specifically those you have passed away.

I have been thinking about my cousin, Micah Gene DeKam so much lately. November was adoption month. No one ever guessed that he was adopted, though, as he shared the “Dutch” genes of blonde hair and blue eyes, and a mischievous grin that matched his older brothers.My aunt and uncle welcomed him into their home with loving arms for the 3 years that he got to spend on this earth with us. I don’t think that we can fully comprehend God’s love until we fully comprehend adoption. Micah taught me that. Even though he was taken way too soon, I will always remember the time I had with him. Yet, I can’t help but picture him as a ring bearer at my wedding in a couple of weeks. Walking alongside my nephew down the aisle, with those bouncing blonde curls and sparkling blue eyes.

And then my Grandpa Tebben, whom I’ve never met. He was always my "Grandpa In Heaven" as we would call him when I was a toddler. My mom was only a couple of years older than I am when she lost her father. I can’t imagine the pain she and her siblings went through. Starting adulthood, motherhood, and a young marriage without her father. As I plan my own wedding with my father, the chasm that a missing father leaves feels that much more unbearable to me. He passed away only a couple of weeks before my Uncle Dave's wedding.

I've always had this aching and longing to meet my Grandpa Tebben. The reasons have changed throughout the years, though. When I was little, I would often ask about heaven to a point that it was almost alarming and my mom wondered if I was being called to go to Heaven, but it turns out I was just a fascinated creature. I wondered if he watched me, if he knew who I was. When I did something wrong I wondered if he was shaking his head at me. As I got older my mom told me how good he was at building things, like a tree house. How he would have loved to build one for my sister and I. This made me really want him to be on this earth, but for selfish childish reasons. I’ve often been told that I act “just like a Tebben.” I never realized how much of a missing puzzle piece my Grandpa Davis Tebben was to myself, until this past fall.

I have the entrepreneur bug inside of me. I also knew that I got this from my own father, as we sit side by side watching Shark Tank, I pitch him business ideas and he asks for my business plan, and he lets me in on his new business strategies. Although, I never realized how he was encouraged to be an entrepreneur. It was my Grandpa Tebben. His own father-in-law saw the potential in him as a PT student. He didn’t ask “what jobs are you applying to?” he asked “when are you going to open up your own practice?” You see, my Grandpa Tebben started Sioux Automation in Sioux Center, Iowa. He knew talent when he saw it, and asked a question my dad had never asked himself.

This inspired my dad to do something he had never dreamed of. My Grandpa died in 1994, exactly 23 years ago today. And in 1998, my dad started his first clinic. I never knew of this exchange until this past year. It’s funny how, when you never get to meet someone before they pass away, they almost just seem like a storybook character, or part of a history lesson. I never thought of how he impacted those around me in this way.

This year, I decided to learn even more about my Grandpa Tebben as I feel like he is a missing piece in my life. I feel like a lot of things make more sense about myself once I piece together information about him. I’ve also found that those who are missing loved ones WANT you to ask about them. It’s not going to make them more sad/hurt more if you ask questions about their loved one. In fact, it makes them even happier because they are being remembered/honored! I know that is one thing that I found when we lost Micah. I wasn’t scared of missing him, I was scared of forgetting all of my favorite things about him and that others would too.

I used to be frightened if I asked people about who they were missing that it would just make the situation worse. This is so far from the truth. Ask what their favorite memory was of them, what quirks they had, share moments when you think about them and miss them. This is especially therapeutic during the holidays. I remember at important family holidays and gatherings, we would all go around the room and share favorite memories about Micah. This showed that we weren’t forgetting about him, and we were in the grieving process together.

I find this helpful because I can be different to those around me. I can be the one asking others to share about those that they have lost. Sometimes the best gift is allowing others to share. Giving an opportunity to be honest and open up is so necessary, as most people missing loved ones around the holidays wouldn’t just bring it up on their own.They need to be asked, and it is medicine for both parties.

Since starting to do this, I found out stories about my grandpa that I had never heard before. Like how he sold his horse and cart to buy my grandma’s engagement ring when they were a young couple. This struck a chord with me, as Lucas sold his four wheeler to buy my engagement ring. My Grandpa Tebben sounds exactly like my Lucas: buying cars, fixing them, and selling them to make a profit. Always drafting new ideas and more efficient ways. I wish they could have met.

My Grandpa Tebben went from being in an imaginative figment of my imagination whom I would visit at the cemetery, to a historic figure, to a loving father and grandfather. I cannot wait to meet him in Heaven.

I like to think that Micah and my Grandpa Tebben are celebrating Christmas to an extent that we can’t even imagine. That they are cheering Lucas and I on for our upcoming marriage. From my Grandpa Tebben, whom I have never met, I have learned that anything is possible if you set your mind to it. You can truly make your own dream job (my videography business, and my dad’s physical therapy clinic, and now consulting business). And that we can have an impact and ripple effect on those we may not ever meet. From Micah, I have learned that God has adopted us into his family with open arms and that he has an even greater plan for us than we could have ever imagined.

Grieving loved ones is not something I would ever wish on someone. In fact, this was almost physically painful to write as it brings up so many memories and wishes. Yet, I am thankful that I can be empathetic to others who are grieving. I remember the sayings "God needed them more than we did" or "they're in a better place." I remember saying to these phrases "I don't care, I'm selfish and I want him here with me!" Or even worse, the silence. When no one would bring up their name, no one would ask. When people pretend everything is fine and dandy and jolly just like a Hallmark Christmas movie.

So instead of watching Hallmark movies and dreaming about the perfect Christmas, I urge you to ask someone about a loved one that they are missing this holiday season. You might just help in the healing process, and hear an amazing story.